


'cause I'm already high enough (you got me, you got me good)

by clelia_satre



Category: All For The Game - Nora Sakavic
Genre: Broken Boys, Depression, Drug Addiction, Drug Use, Drug Withdrawal, Drugs, Explicit Sexual Content, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, M/M, Mild Smut, Overdose, Please be careful while reading, Psychological Trauma, Recreational Drug Use, Suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-24
Updated: 2020-09-30
Packaged: 2021-03-07 15:48:58
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death
Chapters: 9
Words: 4,054
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26630116
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/clelia_satre/pseuds/clelia_satre
Summary: Aaron introduced him to the pills.They were so colourful. Andrew always wore black.They were white and blue and pink and orange and green and red and yellow.They also had many funny names.Xanax, Normison, Lexotan, Kalma.-When Andrew finally met his brother, he discovered Aaron was an addict just like his mother. Andrew knew drugs were a bad thing, but when you are in high school and want to forget your abusive past, the pills look just too tempting.
Relationships: Aaron Minyard & Andrew Minyard, Neil Josten & Andrew Minyard, Neil Josten/Andrew Minyard, Nicky Hemmick/Erik Klose
Comments: 6
Kudos: 61





	1. Methamphetamines

Andrew felt pain pain pain. 

Everything was boring boring boring. 

He wanted nothing nothing nothing. 

-

Juvie was annoying. Drake was gone. He was so far from his foster house, he was in Columbia now, starting a new life. 

His twin brother was too similar to him. But they were twins, so it was normal, right?

The only difference between them was the scars, which lined Andrew’s arms. He kept them hidden and Aaron didn’t ask about them. 

Aaron introduced him to the pills pills pills. 

They were so colourful, Andrew always wore black. 

They were white and blue and pink and orange and green and red and yellow. 

They had also many funny names. 

Xanax, Normison, Lexotan, Kalma.

There were cocaine to sniff and heroin to inject, but he preferred the pills. They did many magic tricks with his head when he mixed them with alcohol. They sent him to cloud 9, and he was so light and happy in those moments. He could even climb on walls!

When Tilda overdosed, Andrew and Aaron were at a party, too smashed to even understand what was going on when a policeman came to them the morning after. 

When Nicky arrived, he was a bad person. 

Once, he took all Andrew and Aaron’s pills and flushed them in the water. 

The twins got really angry at him, Aaron cried and pleaded him to buy him new ones, Andrew took a knife from the kitchen and pointed it at Nicky. 

Nicky was not kind. Nicky was rude. 

Nicky had a boyfriend, Andrew knew it because one night he heard him talking to someone on the phone. 

«I miss you so much, Erik. They are a mess, I don’t know what to do. They are just as addicted as their mother». 

Erik had the idea of the support group. 

In the suburbs of Columbia, something like ten minutes by car from their house, there was a centre for drug addicts. People came there for rehab. There were also meeting with the youngest addicts, for those who were in rehab and those who had to start it. 

Andrew didn’t want to go to rehab. 

Aaron neither. 

They refused to go, fighting against Nicky every night. 

The high school parties were funnier than staying at home with Nicky, so they went there very often. 

Andrew liked ketamine, and methamphetamines, and acids, and hallucinogens, and crystals, and painkillers, and GHB, and oxycodone. 

He liked everything that was given to him. 

He liked the feeling of euphoria. 

Aaron had sex with girls. Andrew hooked up with guys (sometimes he was too smashed and they fucked him, or he fucked them, but it was okay. Under the drugs, his boundaries were not as strict as when he was sober, and orgasms were like fireworks in the starry night of the euphoria). 

They were well known at school, sometimes people came to them asking for pills. They didn’t sale anything, though. 

Life was funny when you didn’t understand what was going on inside your head and around you. 

Life was funny funny funny. 

One night at a party Aaron was so funny that he sniffed a very lot of cocaine and took some Xanax with vodka. He was laughing laughing laughing.

The he went down down down. 

He threw up, and his eyes were white. He was pale pale pale. 

Andrew felt something inside his chest breaking breaking breaking.


	2. GHB

The hospital was white white white. 

Nicky’s eyes were red red red. 

Andrew’s vomit was green green green. 

He felt sick, waiting for the doctors to tell him how his brother was. 

Then they arrived, two women, Aaron is good but he must go to rehab now. 

He was asleep. 

Nicky looked at Andrew. 

«You will go with him. I’m not losing neither of you two». 

At the end, rehab was just a lie lie lie. 

Aaron got out clean, but just because he was too scared now at the sight of pills. How boring. 

Andrew faked smiles, faked tears, faked confessions. 

Andrew just wanted his pills. 

After rehab came the support group. 

The support group was at the rehab centre, it was a small room with big windows and many chairs and a table with free cookies and drinks on it. Andrew had a glass of coke and some chocolate chips cookies. 

They were all so young. 

«Hi, my name is Allison. I have been clear for three weeks». Heroin. 

«Hi, my name is Dan and I have been clear for one month and seventeen days». Cocaine. 

«Hi, my name is Renee and I have been clear for two weeks now». Methamphetamines. 

«Hi my name is Matt. Two months» Heroin again. 

«Hi my name is Kevin. I have been clear for... twenty days». Painkillers. 

«Hi my name is Aaron and I have been clear for thirty-five days». Too many drugs to list them all. 

«Andrew. Thirty-three days». Too many drugs to list them all, too. 

«Hi, my name is Neil. I have been clear for a month and three days». 

Here he was. The liar. 

-

«You are not clean» Andrew told Neil when he exited the room. The two were sitting against the wall outside the centre. Aaron had already gone home by foot, because he was in a strange phase where he wanted to walk more, have a healthier diet and lots of shit. 

«You are not clean, too». 

Andrew smoked Marlboro cigarettes. 

Neil made himself a joint. 

They exchanged drags from each other’s sticks. 

«Why are you here?». 

«My twin overdosed and our guardian got crazy. You?». 

«The FBI. If I wanted a new identity I had to be clean». 

Neil was interesting interesting interesting. And pretty pretty pretty. 

«Wanna get high at my place, sometimes?» Neil asked. 

«That’s cool for me». 

Andrew asked himself where Neil’s parents were, but he decided to keep his mouth shut, because Neil’s joint was good shit and he was already feeling a bit dizzy. 

«Gotta go. Matt is waiting for me». 

«You catch rides from sober people at support groups while you are not sober?». 

«Matt is good with that so I’m good too. He says I will get clean when I will be ready. For now I just attend this shit for Agent Brown to stay the fuck out of my life». 

Neil headed to a big truck and waved at Andrew. 

Andrew felt something inside his chest doing bump bump bump.


	3. Cannabis

Neil liked weed, marijuana, cannabis, synthetic cannabinoids and magic mushrooms. He also liked crystal meth, ecstasy, LSD, DMT and Ketamine (liquid one, not powder like Andrew). He took hallucinogens less in this last period because they made him think about his father. 

«I saw my uncle shoot him right in the head. Sometimes I see his body, sometimes his “colleagues”’ ones, sometimes I see my mom and the torture he did to us». 

The first time Neil did drugs, he was twelve and had just been shot. He was on the run from his father with his mom, and they couldn’t go to the hospital, so she gave him too many painkillers and he found himself addicted to them. 

«From painkillers it went to alcohol, then after her death I experimented with ices, and here I am» he was saying, taking big drags from his joint. Andrew saw him rolling it with weed and some kind of white powder. He didn’t know what it was, but after some drags he was already high, so it must have been some good shit. 

«Can you guess what I am on? I like to do that game». 

Neil stared at him for a very long time. His eyes were icy blue, lined with red due to the many joints he had already smoked before Andrew came to his house. 

«Benzodiazepines, like your brother». 

«We have a winner». 

Andrew liked Neil’s house. It was a small flat, with a living room, a kitchen, a bathroom and a bedroom. Everything was clean and in order.

«I am hungry» Neil said after the fourth joint. 

«I want ice cream». 

Neil came back with a tub of chocolate ice cream and a pack of chips. They were sitting on his bed, eating and listening to music from Andrew’s phone. 

In the light of the early afternoon, Neil’s hair was red and soft and unruly and messy. Andrew wanted to touch them so bad his hand itched. 

«Are you a hallucination of the drugs?». 

Neil laughed, resting his head against the wall. 

«I though you were one». 

Andrew liked Neil. 

He was straightforward, and honest, and gentle with him. 

They got high many times together at Neil’s place, and Neil let Andrew stay over for the night if he wasn’t well enough to go back home to Nicky. Neil helped him if he felt sick, letting him threw up in his bathroom but leaving him his personal space. Neil didn’t touch Andrew and always told him what they were taking (with the exception of the first day, but Neil told him he didn’t know what he was smoking too. His pusher recommended it to him and he followed his advice). 

Neil let Andrew have a toothbrush at his house, for him to brush his teeth before going home.

Neil once gave Andrew his hoodie before he came home from a night spent at his place. 

Andrew thought it smelled like Neil.   
-

Nicky asked him what was happening when he noticed the hoodie. 

«I have a boyfriend» Andrew answered. 

He didn’t know why he said that. 

Maybe because Nicky smiled at hearing that. Maybe because he wanted it. But he always wanted nothing. What changed? 

Neil, that is what changed everything. 

Andrew felt something inside his chest that seemed like want.


	4. LSD

They had LSD that afternoon. 

The tabs had little hearts on them. 

In another life, Andrew would have found it romantic. In this one, he and Neil stuck their tongue out one in front of each other on the bed and swallowed the acid looking in each other’s eyes. 

Andrew felt light-headed before the drug hit. 

-

Andrew saw his reflex in the mirror crying pink and purple glitters. But he was not sad. He was so so so happy. He was in this little flat with Neil, everything was good good good. 

Where was Neil? 

Andrew went looking for him feeling dizzy and high as Hell, he stumbled on his own feet sometimes but always found his balance back. 

Neil?

Where are you, my sweet Neil?

My tears are purple for you and my heart is red for you. 

Your eyes are blue and my hair is yellow. 

We can be a rainbow together, melt into one. You and me, Neil. Neil where are you?

Andrew found Neil under the bed in his room. But he was not having a great time. 

He was shivering, and crying, and muttering something for himself. 

He was sad sad sad. 

Neil, my sweetheart, what is happening?

«He is coming. The door is not locked, Lola is coming. Maybe there’s Romero too. Or Patrick. No no no, mommy I don’t want to be here. I don’t want to be like him, mommy please». 

Andrew tried to ask for Neil’s consent to touch him, but it was futile. 

Neil was gone gone gone. He was not himself. 

Andrew moved the bed and gently picked Neil up. 

Neil fought against him, threw punches and screamed. 

«It’s just the drug, it’s okay». 

«Dad, no! Stop! It hurts me!».

Andrew tried not to cringe too hard at the words. He knew Neil’s father was not a good man, a criminal who used to torture his son and abuse of his wife. 

Many memories were triggered. 

Andrew at seven. 

«If you say please, I will stop». 

They never stopped. 

Andrew fought against the panic panic panic. 

Neil needed him. 

He carried Neil into the shower, placing him in the bathtub. 

«Everything is going to be fine» he was chanting. 

The cold water made Neil scream louder and then calm down a bit. 

Andrew made him drink some water and eat some bread. 

Neil threw up in the bathtub but the water washed the puke away. 

Andrew tried to take his soaked and dirty clothes off, but Neil fought against his hands and got naked by himself. 

When he was only wearing his briefs and he looked calm enough, Andrew picked him up and dried him, then put him under a warm blanket in bed. 

Neil my sweetheart you are beautiful with all your scars, Andrew wanted to say. 

He still felt high high high. 

But Neil was so low low low.

Andrew got undressed too, leaving on only a t-shirt and briefs, and curled in bed near Neil. He wanted to hug him, to hold him tight against his chest, he wanted...

Nothing. He was high. 

This was all a hallucination. 

Andrew forced himself to go to sleep. 

Andrew felt something inside his chest that tasted too much like sadness.


	5. Heroin

Neil woke up in the middle of the night. 

He was shivering, and moaning in his sleep, moving in bed. 

Neil couldn’t stay still still still. 

His brow was gleaming with sweat, and he was panting. 

Andrew was awake, because he couldn’t sleep with Neil this close to him, and with the drug inside of him. 

Neil cried quietly. 

«I don’t want to take it no more» he whispered to himself. 

«No LSD, I promise» Andrew said, getting up and opening the window. He lighted a cigarette and smoked, waiting for Neil to go back to sleep. 

Neil shook his head. 

«No, Andrew. I want to be clean. I’m not taking drugs anymore. What I saw tonight... I’m too scared of having another episode like this». 

Neil was shivering, the blanket forgotten at the end of the bed. Andrew took it and threw it at him, who covered himself. 

«That’s good» Andrew said. 

His first though went to the flat. 

And the afternoons spent here. 

And the dinners eaten on the couch. 

And the movies watched on the computer. 

And the music listened on the bed. 

And to the owner of all of this, to Neil Neil Neil. 

His mind was full of him, how could he live without seeing Neil nearly every day after school. 

Was Neil going to leave him?

Was he going to become a whole new person without the drugs?

«You can still come here. Without the drugs. Maybe take them before coming over?». 

Andrew nodded, his face blank. 

«I’d like to». 

-

When he came back home, the morning after, Nicky was on him as soon as he closed the front door. 

«Where have you been?». 

«Neil’s». 

«Are Neil’s parents okay with you staying over basically every night? And why does he never come here? Why haven’t we met him yet?». 

Nicky was talking too loud and too fast. 

Andrew was still confused confused confused by the drugs. 

«If you want I can tell him to come over. We go to Neil’s because his parents work a lot and they don’t care a shit about him and his doing» he lied lied lied. 

«Is this the same Neil from the support group?» Aaron asked, entering the room and sitting on the couch. 

«Your boyfriend is from the support group? Okay, everything sounds too weird to me. You are getting tested, now. I’m buying an urine drug test, and you are doing it tonight!». 

Nicky was in his car before Andrew could even blink. 

«Are you high?» Aaron asked his brother once they were alone. 

«Fuck yes». 

«Is Neil still addicted too?». 

«He is getting sober». 

Aaron nodded. 

«Please don’t ruin yourselves. If Neil is trying... keep your distance. Or try, too». 

Aaron got up and went to his bedroom. 

Andrew sighed. 

Luckily, he had friends (or more acquaintances) from school that he knew were sober for sure, so it was easy to get fresh pee and trick Nicky to believe it was his own. The test resulted negative, and Nicky apologised. 

«I’d like to meet Neil, though». 

Neil didn’t answer Andrew’s texts for three days in a row. 

He was in his flat, doing a rehab all alone because he didn’t trust doctors. 

Neil was so stubborn, and yet so strong. 

Andrew felt something inside his chest deepening, and he started thinking thinking thinking.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Remember when in “but you fit me better than my favourite sweater” (my other fic if you are interested) I said I wanted these boys to be happy?  
> Lol. Forget about that.   
> This fic is pain, but it is yet to come ;)


	6. Ecstasy

Neil had been sober sober sober for two weeks now. 

He looked different. 

He was gaining the slightest bit of muscles, his skin looked tanner, his movements swifter. 

Andrew met him at his flat, and he was not high for once. 

«Are you sober, too?» Neil asked. 

Andrew nodded. 

He had thought a lot about Aaron’s words. He didn’t want Neil to have a relapse, and maybe his time had come for him to finally say goodbye to the drugs. After all, Aaron was doing great now that he was clean, getting good grades and dating cheerleaders. He was becoming the cliche of the nerdy but popular guy. 

«Why?». 

«I don’t want to ruin you». 

Neil smiled bright bright bright. 

Andrew felt like dying dying dying. 

«Do you want to watch a movie?». 

They ended up in Neil’s bed, his computer between them. 

Andrew wasn’t watching the movie. 

He was watching Neil. 

«Everything’s good?» Neil asked. 

«Why do I feel high when I’m with you, even though I didn’t take any pill?». 

«Maybe that’s something we both feel when we are with each other». 

Kissing Neil was better than any drug. 

His hands in Neil’s hair, on Neil’s face and neck, mapping Neil’s body. 

Neil was addicting, and Andrew couldn’t have enough of him. 

Andrew, who had Neil’s lips biting and sucking and kissing his own. 

Andrew, who had Neil’s mouth on his neck. 

Andrew, who had Neil straddling him now, and could feel every inch of their bodies touching. 

It was better than Xanax or Normison or Lexitan or Kalma.

It was fireworks in his head, behind his eyes. 

It was flames on his skin. 

It was a pile of clothes discarded on the floor and two bodies discovering each other. 

Neil’s thighs around his waist, his nails in Andrew’s back, his mouth open moaning and screaming Andrew’s name. 

Andrew’s fingers covered in lube, massaging Neil, preparing him without making him come. Andrew sliding into him, enjoying the feeling of Neil’s tight walls against his member, the warmth of his body against his. 

They moved slowly, at first, sweetly, kissing and whispering encouragements under their breaths. 

Then it became faster, more violent, an anger that needed to be satisfied. It was a run for their orgasm, a search for their lips, Andrew’s thrusts finding their rhythm and becoming deep and ruthless, Neil eyes closed and his ankles wrapping behind Andrew’s back. 

It was Neil shouting: «Andrew! Faster! Don’t stop!»

And Andrew adding force to his movements, touching Neil’s prostate and seeing the stars every time he called out for him. 

They came in a mess of moans and growls, Neil clinging to Andrew’s body, a tear or two streaming down his pretty face, Andrew heaving himself into Neil. 

They fell asleep curled one against the other. 

Neil was so small, Andrew’s arms could wrap around him perfectly. 

Andrew’s chest was broad enough for Neil to place his head there. 

They fell asleep asleep asleep. 

Andrew felt something inside his chest that looked like happiness.


	7. Oxycodone

Andrew tried to be sober. He tried so hard hard hard. 

He wanted this to last. His new relationship with Nicky (though Nicky always thought he was clean), with his brother, with the support group. He tried to open up with them. 

He tried for Neil, for this thing between them which didn’t have a name but tasted like salty sweat after sex and ice cream eaten on the bed while watching a movie on his computer. This thing that tasted like his family’s happiness when they finally got to meet Neil, and it was not strange. 

Andrew tried, but being sober made him have a relapse in his depression. 

Without the drugs keeping his thoughts at bay, the ghosts came back. 

Nightmares nightmares nightmares. 

Skin itching, itching, itching. 

His body was too tight for him, he must escape from it, he needed air, he needed...

A shrink recommended other pills. 

A shrink recommended another support group, this one for kids with violent pasts. 

A shrink tried to make him talk about Drake, and he left the room only seventeen minutes into the meeting. 

He was going down down down. 

He never realised how the pills had saved his life, giving him something to live for when everything was lost. 

Being smashed was better than this strange silence that now was wrapped around him like a cold blanket. 

But he was staying sober. He had to. 

Andrew went nonverbal sometimes. 

Andrew threatened Nicky with a knife in the kitchen, because he tried to pat him on the shoulder. 

Andrew didn’t answer Neil’s texts because he didn’t feel like talking some days. 

He stayed in his room for three days without ever going out, because he couldn’t manage to rise from his spot on the bed. 

Aaron brought him food, and on the fourth day carried him to the shower, hands just guiding Andrew without really touching his skin. 

His twin washed him like Andrew had washed Neil when he had his episode with the LSD. His clothes were wet under the spray, but at least the water was cold and refreshing. 

Neil came to visit sometimes. 

They didn’t talk, just laid on his bed, curled facing each other but with safe space between them. 

Andrew went nonverbal very often nowadays. 

«Have you taken any pill in the past two months?». 

«No» Andrew answered, but he couldn’t find his voice, so he just shook his head. 

«Me neither. Being clean sucks sometimes, but I try to remember why I started it. So that I could have another life, a better one». 

Andrew’s mind was too lazy to really understand Neil’s words. 

There were no more fireworks, or flames, or euphoria. 

There were just silence and pain and bad memories and panic attacks. 

Andrew felt something inside his chest, and he recognised it immediately: it was a relapse in his self-destructive person.


	8. Benzodiazepines

There were colourful pills in front of him. 

They were so colourful, Andrew always wore black. 

They were white and blue and pink and orange and green and red and yellow. 

They had also many funny names. 

Xanax, Normison, Lexotan, Kalma. 

Andrew uncapped the whiskey bottle, taking a big sip. 

Pills went down his throat easily. He lost the count. 

Half the bottle went down too. 

When he was finished, Andrew laid on his bed, watching the ceiling, and waiting. 

The pills were finished. The fireworks had stopped. The letter was written and placed on his desk. 

How soon is now? of the Smiths was playing in the background, and Andrew hummed along the tune. Neil liked this song, so he liked it too. 

Had he thought about everything? Pills, whiskey, letter, music...

Yes, everything was good now. 

He closed his eyes. 

Andrew felt something inside his chest, but it was nothing nothing nothing.


	9. Ketamine

_Nicky, take care of yourself, of Aaron and of Erik. I know you are strong enough for this. You have been a good guardian, despite everything._

_Aaron, take care of yourself, and don’t you even try to have a relapse. Those pills killed me, and they can’t have the both of us. Study hard, follow your dream of becoming a doctor, and stop going on dates with cheerleaders. They are too stupid for you._

_Neil, my sweetheart, I am sorry. I tried, I swear. But everything was numb and void and silent and boring and I couldn’t take it no more. I am weak. But you are not, you are strong and you endured so much. I know you will stay sober, and live a wonderful life, and if you ever think about taking a pill ever again, think about my spirit ready to descend on Earth and kick your ass. I wish we had more time, I wish we could have done so many things._

_I wish I was another person, a better one, for all of you. Because you deserved a better Andrew, and that was not me._

_I’m sorry._

**Author's Note:**

> This fic was slightly enspired by Euphoria.  
> Title from High Enough by K.Flay  
> Kudos and comments are well accepted, thank you for reading! <3


End file.
